In: English and Literature

Submitted By rjackson102
Words 856
Pages 4
1. Wordiness

Incorrect Passage: As kids go from elementary school to junior high school, the desire to get tan gets stronger while the habit of using sun protection gets tossed out of the window.

Corrected: When kids go from elementary school to junior high, the desire to tan gets stronger, and the habit of using sun protection decreases.

Reason: It was unnecessary for me to have written the words elementary “school” and junior high “school”, it sounds redundant because obviously elementary and junior high are both schools. I also used the word increase and decrease because it didn’t change meaning and it helped evaluate “wordiness” words. Also the phrase “tossed out the window, sounds like slang.

2. Wordiness

Incorrect Passage: On the last day of the trip we all went to the village and had dinner with the people there, laughing and playing with the kids, and crying when we had to leave. We boarded the plane the next morning, feeling like we were leaving home for a split second, and said goodbye to the beautiful country of Haiti.

Corrected: The last day of the trip, we went to the village, had dinner, laughed with the kids, and cried when we said goodbye. When we said goodbye to the beautiful country of Haiti, it almost felt like we were leaving our home.

Reason: The incorrect passage had way too may words that didn’t need to be in the sentence. I used commas and listed what it felt like on the last day of the trip, instead of elaborating on it.

3. Parallelism

Incorrect Passage: All four of us would meet up, then ride our bikes, and order our meals. The thing we loved most about the waiters at El Camino was they were so quick, and very nice.

Corrected: The four of us met up, then rode our bikes, and ordered our meals. The nice waiters, and the quick service was the reason we loved El Camino.

Reason: I changed the verbs to…...

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